8/29/09

T H A N K Y O U

a letter to a dear friend. A letter to myself. A letter to the divine. A letter from the soul to the soul. A letter to my ego?

8/23/09
1:07 PM (and edits at 2:57 PM)

My dear friend,

Please accept my apologies for typing this letter as opposed to handwriting. It just so happens that my brain moves at an intense pace (as I am sure you have witnessed on several occasions), and I find that the former is better adept at keeping up than the latter.

As you know by now, I am on an amazing journey (to use your words) towards self-actualization and awareness and a responsible acceptance of my past suffering coupled with a transformation towards love and wholeness. I owe thanks to so much in my life: for all the pieces scattered far and wide (in time and space) that have brought me to this point* now. I have spent these last few days continuing in earnest research into myself, (Meyer-Briggs, sun sign, moon sign, ascending, Saturn return, Jung’s differentiation and integration technique, strength finders 2.0) and following all leads that spark an image of familiarity or interest in my mind. I have contemplated my past, the Mayan and Hopi prophesies, Quantum mechanics, physics and psychology. I have picked up a book for the 5th or 6th time which was first given to me by my first spiritual teacher, albeit a reluctant one and I was then a reluctant disciple, and have actually read it, this time with understanding.

I have always been in search for love. Until now, it was merely a search for the love lost in childhood. Now I know I am in search of the true and pure love that is IN and IS all of us. Maybe they are essentially the same thing, but the distinction was necessary for me to make to “see” my path. I have always been searching for what my purpose is in this lifetime (what human is not?) and I think in this life my purpose is not about career or success in monetary values or fame, but is about healing and coming to a spiritual awareness and level of consciousness which ties together all of humanity and the prophesies of 2012 and an enlightened/evolved homo-superior. All the pieces are seeming to begin their (or finish) their orbits and are (re)aligning. I feel a part of something much bigger than myself that is my destiny.

You, my dear friend, I believe to be a major catalyst in my life evolution at this current juncture. Our souls, I do agree, were what each other needed (see more below).

“Spiritual teachers are important guides who provide a catalyst for spiritual awakening…All awakening to love is a spiritual awakening.”

I have already offered and will continue to offer thanks to the divine for this bumping of souls, this magical cosmic intersection, however brief, of our life paths. I have and will continue offering thanks to myself for finally allowing the pain to flow through me so I may see its ugly face and know it. So I may hold it as my own. I have “made the primal choice to be saved.” As Bell Hooks defines it, “It is simply that gesture of taking responsibility for our well-being, wherein we confess to our brokenness, our woundedness, and open ourselves to salvation…This act of opening the heart enables us to receive the healing offered to us by those who care.”

And now, in written words, though I know I do not need to say it, and perhaps there are no words capable of saying exactly what I feel, and I know I have already told you in similar words and in hugs and in hand-clasped staring contests, but

THANK YOU.

Thank you for being you. (I cannot thank you for being here, because 1. “here” is relative and 2. The myriad factors that placed you and me here together simultaneously are too numerous to count and too complex to trace.) However, you are you, and for all the suffering and crises you have endured to become you today as I know you, and your open heart that has, like a sponge, sucked up wisdom you now lend to me, for all those things and more I am eternally grateful.

My one concern, however, is this slight nagging and tug I feel when I think of all you have been and are to me. You said to me at Natural Bridge that you heard me say “I am just what your soul needs.” You most definitely are what my soul needs, but I cannot figure my part in yours. Part of the joy of giving is feeling the reciprocal joy of understanding exactly what it is that you have given to another person and how it has affected them. I am missing this joy because I am afraid I do not see what it is I could possibly have given you. Perhaps it is only the reciprocation of the immense gift you have given me, that you have received. Perhaps I am selfish to look for and think that I could have given you something as precious in return, or better yet, and more likely, it is that I think too little of myself to think a gift from me could be as precious, as meaningful.

I do not know what kind of friendship this is, besides a soul one. But I do not know what that means in terms of time and space and physicality and touch and sight, at least in my simpleton and “reality” confined brainscape. I have never embarked on such a journey with a companion before; I am scared. I say this because this friendship, at least to me, is a special one and one I feel unfortunately a great weight upon me for upkeep and maintenance and survival and success. Though I am sure you will say that that weight is shared. By us, first, and by the whole universe, second. This will take nurturing and care, commitment and responsibility, trust and honesty, all of which I am committed to knowing and giving to this relationship and to you.

I do not know how to say “goodbye” to you; the very word denotes an end. This is not an end (I hope), but a beginning. I prefer the German words (and being that I am of German descendant, it is fitting) “auf wiedersehen:” see you again. However, I have a strange feeling that I will never see you again. I get the feeling you are too beautiful for this world and it may take you. I get comfort in the following:

”You have to trust that every friendship has no end, that a communion of saints exists among those, living and dead, who have truly loved God and one another. You know from experience how real this is.” –Henri Nouwen


I love you.
With all that I am, and all that I will be,
Unconditional and eternal,
Karen
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